Three Dead As Nationwide Sorority Celebrations of Jetta Coupe Turn to Violent Riots

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Three are dead and thousands are wearing stretchpants with Uggs after nationwide sorority celebrations for the Jetta coupe turned violent last night.

The peaceful celebrations began yesterday afternoon, when Volkswagen unveiled the new Jetta coupe and the National Panhellenic Sorority Committee declared it “National Jetta Coupe and Let’s Get Drunk You Sluts!” day.

Witness reports have confirmed the following:

JettaCoupeThe parties began quietly with several kegs of Mike’s Hard Lemonade at 9pm.

At approximately 11 pm, several girls who had studied abroad junior year in Paris suggested that they celebrate Au France by flipping cars and setting buildings on fire.

At this point, fraternity boys from across the street were called in for heavy lifting, and the situation broke into full riots.

The public relations have also been a nightmare for Volkswagen of America, which has a strong relationship with the National Panhellenic Sorority Committee. “We had really considered calling it the ‘Like, The Jetta With Two Doors’ but settled on ‘Jetta Coupe’ because it was a little shorter,” said Troy Vosges, a PR spokesman for VW.

“What should have been a night of celebrations was a total disaster. We’ll be doing charity carwashes for decades to make amends for all the damage,” said Panhellenic Council Assistant Vice President Amber Montgomery.

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