Tabloid Magazine: “Touareg’s Dramatic Weight Loss: Too Dangerous To Live?”
VW's new Tourag, er -- Still impossible to spell
A supermarket tabloid magazine is taking a break from stories about the Bachelor to report on a disturbing change for Volkswagen. “Touareg Weight Loss: Super Sexy or Dangerous Behavior” hits newsstands this week.
Volkswagen’s previous Touareg SUV was considered morbidly obese by many and had become the subject of some lampooning within the industry. “You know how it is in LA. If you’re a real car guy you want the youngest freshest [Toyota] Starlet you can find. Not some bulgy thick frau from Germany whose name you can’t pronounce,” says a gal pal of the Touareg.
The updated Touareg, being launched this week, is some 400 lbs lighter now than it was. Its diet was expensive and required exotic weight-loss techiniques, but they seem to have avoided losing weight by cutting vowels from the Touareg’s name.
According to Dr. Brent Spiner of the Ft. Lauderdale Rapid Weight Loss Real Basement Hospital, “Look, 400 lbs of weight loss sounds like a lot. Normally that’s potentially dangerous if done rapidly. But here, the Touareg is still such an obese whale that it won’t make a difference.”
“I think it’s pretty HOTT now, especially since that junk in the trunk ass is gone. I’d totally rock that shit,” said a CarsRulez blog commenter.
Upon hearing the good news, VW announced that it would be raising Touareg prices 15%.