MetaCars

The heart of Chrysler's new gas-electric cars

MetaCars has learned from sources inside the industry that Chrysler will announce they will offer a 100 percent gas-electric model line-up by the end of this month.  The announcement will be made in a commercial during the Super Bowl halftime this Sunday.

While details are incomplete, we have learned that a company’s spokesperson will state that  everything they manufacture is a gas-electric vehicle.  He will explain that  the vehicles wouldn’t be able to start without the electricity from the battery that comes standard on every model and is recharged automatically as you drive.  Additionally, he’ll point out that the majority of the accessories on their vehicles are powered by electricity provided by an on-board generator, making the operation of their vehicles a true gas-electric process.

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Toyota should pay its gas pedal engineers a $50 million bonus, according to consultants from the insurance company and financial services firm AIG.

“If you want to keep top gas pedal engineers at Toyota, you need to give them this level of bonus. Otherwise Toyota will have a brain drain, and these engineers will move to a company where they can get a market-appropriate bonus, like GM,” said Grace Burke.

Critics, however, claim that Toyota’s gas pedal engineers didn’t do their job properly. “Their reckless work caused the crashes!” says Adam Fuller, spokesman for the Citizens for Formation of Complaining Groups.

Burke disagrees though. “Nobody could see these crashes coming. Do we really want Transportation Secretary LaHood to come in and start telling Toyota what to do about compensation? It’s a slippery slope. Next thing you know he’ll be telling folks not to drive their cars.”

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We have to face the incontrovertible truth: every car on the road will be an electric car as of next year. And with that, lots of stuff we don’t even think about now is going to change.

“America is going to experience a severe extension cord crisis in 2011,” says University of Oregon economics professor Bill Neihaus. “At the moment, the going rate for an extension cord might be 10 bucks. But in January 2011, that same extension cord will cost at least 13 chickens.”

Many are forecasting that the domination of electric cars will also mean the death of the potato chip industry. Potato chip lobbyist Sam Woland tells MetaCars that “at present, 99% of potato chips are sold in gas stations. When the gas stations close because everyone has an electric car, those impulse potato chip purchases won’t be made anymore. We’ll become a nation that only eats french fries and baked potatoes.”

Is this all fact? Absurd speculation? One thing’s for sure: it’s all just absurd speculation.

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A popular weekly British car magazine is absolutely stumped about who to cheat for in this week’s comparison test between Jaguar and BMW.

The test, to be called “BATTLE OF THE ULTIMATE SPORTS SEDANS” will feature the Jaguar XF and new BMW 5-Series, and we’ll learn several paragraphs into the article that they’ve selected the 6-cylinder diesel engines for this heart-pounding comparo.

“I’m frickin’ clueless,” said Editor Eric Whittemore. “On the one hand, we have a BMW. Usually we pick that car in spite of a horrible ride, electric steering, a much higher price, fewer features, and less practicality. So with the new 5-Series, we should have a slam dunk.

“But on the other hand, we have a Jaguar. And while American car magazines tend to forget to include Jaguar in comparison tests, we always call Jaguar the class leader.”

Letter writers and commenters on the magazine’s website are preparing for war. “WHAT A SURPRISE, ANOTHER BMW WINS,” one plans to say. Another has been through several drafts of “The Jaguar? Seriously? It’s not the 1960s anymore. We can’t compete with BMW, the maker of the finest sports saloons in the world.”

Sources inside the magazine’s office told MetaCars that to deal with the problem, they might pick a winner out of left field. One told us that “In the comparo of the Jaguar XF 3.0 diesel and the BMW 530d, I think they’ll just pick a Range Rover Sport with the 6-cylinder diesel. That seems suitably ridiculous.”

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As payment for viewing this copyrighted photo, please visit www.autoblog.com and click on every one of their ads, four times each.

A local man plans to buy the next Dodge Charger after having a good look at a spy picture partially showing the upgraded interior.

The man, Chris Fryman, 34, says “now that I’ve checked out the inside of the Dodge Charger as they plan to redo it, I’m pretty sure I’ll buy one once my current lease is up. That was the main thing holding me back before. But from what I can see, it’s really hot now.”

This was a fast decision for Fryman, as the spy photo only surfaced today.

While the refreshed car won’t go on sale for another year Fryman tells MetaCars he is sure that the Charger is the one for him. “Well previously I was thinking you know, I should get that new Mustang when the 5.0 V8 comes out. Or maybe the new powerful V6 with the stick.”

UPDATE: Area man now says, having seen the aggressive pricing of the Hyundai Sonata and option of a manual transmission, he is positive he will get that instead of the Charger later this year.

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Who has several fingers and is Ken Block? THAT GUYYYYYY

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HELL YEAH!!!! AWESOME!! EXTREME!

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Feb 2010 Octane with .45 H&K handgun and super-hot Scotch Bonnet sauce, all to show INTENSITY!!!!

I pay like $75 a year to get Octane magazine shipped from England. This month they had a silly article about the Bugatti Veyron and the Mercedes McLaren, penned by noted auto enthusiast Mr. Bean, also called Rowan Atkinson.

Then Edmunds.com syndicates it or whatever. Nice try giving it away for free. Idiots. Wait. Yes, idiots.

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A team of specialists from various car blogs has infiltrated Toyota and put 2.3 million faulty accelerator pedals into its vehicles, according to reports from the National Security Administration.

“They did it for content. GM is basically dead. Ford has been saint-ized, or at least sanitized. They had run all the rumors about Fiats and Alfas in Dodge dealerships. This was the next logical step: put saboteur workers in all of Toyota’s factories and screw up something minor in millions of their cars,” said NSA spokesman Donald Rumsduck.

“No matter which blogs were involved, you have to understand that they contracted with mechanical experts to do this. The guys writing about the story are able to copy-paste the tech details, but that’s it,” Rumsduck continued.

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The entire commentariat at GMInsideNews.com has soiled itself, according to bathroom attendants across the U.S. and Canada.

“Once even the America-hating mainstream media was covering Toyota’s faults, we knew this was serious. GM is back on top for good. The Malibu will take the sales crown, the new Cruze will kill the Corolla, and a car magazine pick the Corvette ZR1 in a comparo against the Lexus LF-A. We finally won this thing,” said commenter Ed Vasser, 51, of Phoenix, Arizona.

“SCREW YOU, JAPS!!!!1″ said another commenter, known around GMInsideNews for his cultural sensitivity.

Americans are worried about the repercussions of GMInsideNews’s plotzing. “We’re looking at an event on the scale of 4 CTS-V track races,” said Officer Ben Stiles, of the Detroit Police Department.

MetaCars will not bring you more on this story as it develops.

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Toyota may take as many as two months to regain its posture of beating the crap out of everyone else in sales again, according to Nobel Laureate in Economics Doug Gilmour.

“We’re projecting up to eight weeks where crazy incentives from competitors, Toyota’s sales hiatus, and some cautious people shopping elsewhere,” said Gilmour. “After that though, Toyota will resume its posture of just selling shit tons of cars.”

Gilmour was inconclusive whether this two month period where Toyota looks vulnerable will actually be the end of the world. “It’s tough to say. We survived the Large Hadron Collider, so I suspect we’ll get past ToyotaPedalScandalGate.”

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