MetaCars

Hot on the heels of stellar reviews of the new Ford Mustang V6, with over 300 horsepower, the Department of Labor reports that record numbers of guys are applying for new types of jobs. According to Undersecretary of Political Favors Mike Gellman, “Basically a lot of guys want the new Mustang V6 but can’t justify it to their friends and families because it was traditionally a chick car. So we’re seeing huge rise in applications for certain types of positions.”

Monster.com and the Department of Labor report tremendous spikes in applications from “dudes” for the following positions:

Secretary/Administrative Assistant
Hairdresser
Public Relations Assistant
Public Relations Coordinator
Entry-Level Advertising Assistant
Human Resources Associate
Manicure Technician
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
Jello Shot Distributor
Daughter of Successful Car Wash Owner

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Today we reach into the MetaCars’ mailbag and answer YOUR questions! I promise to be insulting!

First, a letter from a Mr. John Doe, who has asked to remain “anonymous” (IP address 193.220.51.2):
Why hasn’t MetaCars been posting new stories lately?

Well Scott, we were on vacation. It was hot and sunny in South Florida. You’re not egocentric enough to think I’m going to waste my time writing stuff for you, are you?

Michelle Huddleston of South Bend, Indiana writes:
Do you actually have anything new coming or just the same bullshit warmed over stories?

Thanks for writing, Michelle. I’m sorry your herpes meds have you so ornery. We have a mix of warmed over stories and some really cool new stuff coming. Watch MetaCars for an interview with a super-important, really critical, important and well-known automotive commentator.

Another jackass asks:
Dude love the site, but what’s up with the profanity? I can’t read it at work…

Yeah sorry about that. We’ll cut back on the “fuck this” and “ass that.” Oops. Shit. I fucking did it again.

Tom Ridge, of Virginia writes:
Your site Metacars isn’t even funny at all. DON’T BOTHER, LOSER.

Tom you’re pretty funny for a guy who, 8 hours from now, will only have one working kneecap.

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In an interview with a British tabloid, producers of the wildly popular BBC program confirmed that next season will be a dramatic departure from tradition. Rather than jokes about James May being a slow driver and Richard Hammond having unBritishly white teeth, and feature segments in which they race million-dollar sports cars against military equipment, the next series of Top Gear will feature jokes about James May being a slow driver, Richard Hammond having unBritishly white teeth, and several comparison segments of million dollar sports cars with military equipment.

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As we finish a week in Ford’s latest Fusion, the staff of MetaCars is happy to tell you that we’ve selected it over the Porsche Panamera, Cadillac CTS-V Coupe, and the 2007 Hyundai Sonata parked next to it to be our 2010 Car of the Year. Well, announced in 2010. But referring to the 2009 calendar year. But most cars sold in the 2009 calendar year were 2010s.

Oh sure, it was a close one for the new Fusion compared to the runner up for 2010 COTY, the 2007 Sonata. But most other new cars are so badly botched that we had no alternative but to pick the Fusion. Let’s look at the field before getting to the “Fusey” itself.

Competitors: Big, fat, awesome sedans we never expected — well we did expect them, but not until 2005. We’re talking cars like the Aston Martin Rapide (reviewed here) and the Porsche Panamera (blogged here).

Other competition to the Fusion would be the Camaro and Mustang. But the Camaro, it turns out, fulfilled the Camaro tradition of being a fast piece of shit. And the Mustang has those better engines coming next year, so it’s got 2011 MC COTY all locked up.

We considered a left-field COTY option, like the Chevy Equinox. But the rental company was all out of them. That’s why we ended up with a 2010 Fusion.

Some of our staff felt this was gaudy plastichrome. But the majority felt it was just shithouse.

The Fusion is, quite simply, the best American-made family sedan sold in America. I mean, yes it’s built in Mexico (not the spring break part, but in the stabbing part), but it’s still American. Did you see when my Ford stock skyrocketed from $2/share up to $11? It’s not insider trading if they tell you all that stuff in press releases and then I name their car COTY.

Let me tell you about why the Fusion is so great. Even though only 2% are sold with manual transmissions, all the car magazines got to test those. So it has lots of car magazine awards. Nothing makes me want to buy a car than it being the Motor Trend Car of the Year — that’s why I have a PT Cruiser and a Chevy Citation in my garage, not to mention the Ford Probe I bought on Motor Trend’s advice.

Also, the Fusion has something called Sync. It works like a lot of other iPod integration systems, but since I was so overwhelmed by its awesomeness (as well as the adjustable lights in the cupholders), I didn’t have an opportunity to ask the Ford PR man why the interior was already badly worn at just 13,000 miles.

Most importantly about the Fusion, it’s just great to drive compared to its competitors. Although the Malibu, Sonata, Altima, Accord, Camry, Mazda6, and Suzuki Kizashi are either more fun or more comfortable, nothing is as much fun or as comfortable as the Fusion.

All in all, we were impressed with the Fusion’s marketing, with its copious magazine awards, and its ability to be not as slow as we were expecting. A solid effort from Ford. And if that’s not enough for a COTY award, we don’t know what is.

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VW's new Tourag, er -- Still impossible to spell

A supermarket tabloid magazine is taking a break from stories about the Bachelor to report on a disturbing change for Volkswagen. “Touareg Weight Loss: Super Sexy or Dangerous Behavior” hits newsstands this week.

Volkswagen’s previous Touareg SUV was considered morbidly obese by many and had become the subject of some lampooning within the industry. “You know how it is in LA. If you’re a real car guy you want the youngest freshest [Toyota] Starlet you can find. Not some bulgy thick frau from Germany whose name you can’t pronounce,” says a gal pal of the Touareg.

The updated Touareg, being launched this week, is some 400 lbs lighter now than it was. Its diet was expensive and required exotic weight-loss techiniques, but they seem to have avoided losing weight by cutting vowels from the Touareg’s name.

According to Dr. Brent Spiner of the Ft. Lauderdale Rapid Weight Loss Real Basement Hospital, “Look, 400 lbs of weight loss sounds like a lot. Normally that’s potentially dangerous if done rapidly. But here, the Touareg is still such an obese whale that it won’t make a difference.”

“I think it’s pretty HOTT now, especially since that junk in the trunk ass is gone. I’d totally rock that shit,” said a CarsRulez blog commenter.

Upon hearing the good news, VW announced that it would be raising Touareg prices 15%.

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Key Biscayne, Florida orthodontist Henry Schmidlap passed away following an incident last Saturday at the annual Key Biscayne Corvette Roundup.  Schmidlap, 56, suffered a fatal stroke after an on-looker sneezed on the highly-accessorized 2008 Corvette coupe he was displaying in the “My Car is More Special Than Yours” category.

“People who have never owned a Corvette just don’t understand it,” explained fellow exhibitor Mark Murphy.  “Chevrolet only built  27,000 Corvettes in 2008. Of those, there may be only 25,000 left on the road.  It’s our duty as Corvette owners to make sure these rare cars remain untouched and undriven, so that future generations can see just how special they are. What that person did was inexcusable.”

The on-looker, whose name has been withheld, is facing a wrongful death civil suit brought by the Key Biscayne Corvette Owners Society.  The lawsuit states he brought about Schmidlap’s untimely death by desecrating a religious object, thus subjecting Schmidlap to undue stress and mental anguish, leading to his fatal stroke.

Thanks to a special contributor for this story!

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Acura issued a statement this morning expressing contrition for “royally fucking up every good car” it has made over the past twenty-five years.

“From the Legend to the Integra to the TSX, we’ve really enjoying building up an enthusiast following and then smothering it like an unloved puppy,” Acura CEO Howard Emmerlich said in the statement. “But now it’s time to move on.”

Emmerlich continued “From this point forward, we won’t build anything people like in the first place. Acura is now about appeasing soccer moms with our MDX minivan. I learned a long time ago that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not be impressive to begin with.”

Also in the statement, Acura confirmed that starting in Q2 2010, it will be circulating false rumors about developing a V8 “just to get the Acura name out in the news a bit and maybe  milk goodwill from the NSX.”

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Former Alaska Governer Sarah Palin has a message for Toyota: “The best thing they can do at this point is resign from manufacturing cars,” she said in a statement posted on her refrigerator. These statements were later echoed in a speech.

“If there’s anything I’ve learned,” Palin told a crowd of supporters outside Phil’s House of Taxidermy in Bozeman, Montana, “It’s that you should always quit to focus on your family and serving people better.”

When asked how this might apply to Toyota’s situation, Palin responded “Toyota and me have a lot in common. We both have mentally challenged offspring. If I were them,  golly I’d quit making cars because the establishment is too much of a mess. But they can tell supporters that they will continue to fight the good fight of making cars.”

Toyota has been plagued by quality scandals over the past several months, marked with congressional hearing and a tremendous recall. This past week several Priuses became self aware and tried to commit suicide, taking attempting to take their drivers with them.

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Lincoln Travis III, Aston Martin buyer

The following is an interview conducted on February 30, 2010 with a buyer in an Aston Martin dealership (its location on Northern Blvd in Roslyn, NY has been withheld).

MetaCars: Thanks for sitting down with us.

Lincoln Travis III: I was already sitting. You just invited yourself to the next chair over.

MetaCars:Well it was open. More to the point, are you buying a car today?

Lincoln Travis III: Yes, a V8 Vantage convertible.

MetaCars: I think it’s called a Vantage Volante.

Lincoln Travis III: I think I could buy out your mortgage and evict you.

MetaCars:Fair point. So what swayed you on the Aston?

Lincoln Travis III: Well, I wanted something different and pretty flashy to park in front of restaurants.

MetaCars: Did you think about a Maserati?

Lincoln Travis III: Italian cars break down a lot.

MetaCars: Right … So you went British.

Lincoln Travis III: We’re 2 seconds from me removing one of your fingers with this cigar cutter.

MetaCars: So have you heard about the new Aston Martin Cygnet?

Lincoln Travis III: No. What is it? Another million dollar supercar?

MetaCars: Actually it’s based on a small Toyota city car, but styled by Aston. Here’s a picture.

Lincoln Travis III: What a faggy piece of crap.

MetaCars: The idea is that Aston buyers will buy them as a sort of yacht tender.

Lincoln Travis III: Do you know what a yacht tender actually is? Do I park my Vantage a mile off shore and then drive this little one to the sidewalk? Are you going to tell me it fits inside a bigger Aston?

MetaCars: No, it’s just a regular car, about the size of a Smart car.

Lincoln Travis III: Sounds like a deathtrap.

MetaCars: Well, Aston describes it as a local runabout.

Lincoln Travis III: I have a local runabout. A Mercedes GL450.

MetaCars: But doesn’t that use a lot of gas?

Lincoln Travis III: I have no idea. I would assume so.

MetaCars: Well in addition to that, Aston pitches the Cygnet as a sort of fun little car for your wife or maybe kids to putter around in.

Lincoln Travis III: No, I’m not putting my kids in a sardine can. I’d rather spend $40,000 on something I know they’re safe in, rather than $10,000 on that little POS.

MetaCars: As it happens, the Cygnet costs about 30,000 British Pounds.

Lincoln Travis III: You’re shitting me.For less than that, I bought my daughter a Lexus RX like a normal person.

MetaCars: Hybrid version?

Lincoln Travis III: No. I’m a Republican.

MetaCars: Well the environmental stuff is big now for people in both parties.

Lincoln Travis III: Yeah that’s what I’ve heard on the news.

MetaCars: Not for you?

Lincoln Travis III: I have 6 cars and fly twice a week for business.

MetaCars: Well, thanks for meeting with us.

Lincoln Travis III: I didn’t have a choice. How’d you manage to get in here, anyway?

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The photo that started the cascade of server failures

Servers have crashed worldwide and thousands of automotive websites are down after a moderately attractive woman joined a car fan forum and posted pictures of her car that also showed her.

The woman, thought to be in her late 20s, describes herself as “not those most knowledgeable about cars like you boys are, but still a big fan!” Upon prodding from a fellow forum member she posted pictures of her car, in which she appeared fully clothed and only partially visible.

It was at this point, according to moderators of the originating forum, that “all fucking hell broke loose.” Members commented on how nice her car was, when in fact one forum member said “It was all stock and not even that clean. But I felt like I should say something and make a joke. Maybe she’d respond?”

Accounts on scene say that in the first hour, 481 people signed up for the forum to add their comments to the thread. By the end of the day there were 5162 new members. According to reports, the thread called “Me with my new car” is now 342 pages long.

The comments fell into general categories: the direct flirtation (I’d wash your wheels any time), those posing as giving car-related compliments (You picked a great car to buy, and a good color too. Matches your sunglasses) and the self-deprecating (You’d never go out with a guy like me but you sure are the prettiest girl with one of those cars ever).

The Center for Disease Control reports that the pictures are spreading even faster than the worst pandemics in human history. At this point it is estimated that thousands upon thousands of servers have crashed due to requests far in excess of their bandwidth capacity.

“In fairness,” computer expert Eric Malthus told MetaCars, “She’s on a brown Allegro. That’s a crown jewel of lovable brown junk cars.”

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