MetaCars Exclusive: The First (Fake) Review of the 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Coupe

Embargoes be damned! MetaCars is proud to bring you the first driving impressions of the all new Cadillac CTS-V coupe. We haven’t actually sat in one yet, but we have driven the sedan and it can’t be that much different right? Also, we were not invited to the launch event…

Read on to find out more!

A quick Google search for “cadillac interior” and we found this among the photos. Since it was near the top of the results that can only mean it belongs to the new CTS-V coupe. We must say that we are surprised at the departure from the layout of the sedan. However it is nice to see Cadillac look forward to their retro-futuristic roots which recall a feeling of the past. As you can tell in this photo, the materials used are clearly top notch and the metal on leather makes me think of a Steampunk Cow. He is elegant in his quasi-hipster resplendence.

Once the driving portion of the event began, I imagine everyone was required to affix full bra systems to the vehicles. This new V coupe wears the $1,500 optional NoneMoreBlack Black and you get face-slapped by the marketing director if you scratch it. You also get downgraded from premium to 2nd tier hooch at the post-drive automotive journalist drink-a-palooza. We would rather kill ourselves then switch from Hanger One vodka to Absolut. The bras were a welcome addition to the 45-mile test route (in our heads).

The Cadillac CTS-V sedan, wait…shit coupe drives like an American luxury beast on [look up HP and torque figures on Autoblog] V8 crack. It handles like a two-doored, four-wheeled car. {ed. note: Copy and paste sedan review here but do a ctrl-F to find and replace “four” with “two”}

Once we arrived at the hotel, we had a chance to sit with newly appointed head of design, Corey Awesum.

MetaCars: What was your inspiration for creating the CTS-V coupe?

Awesum: Does your media credential say 2005 Pontiac Vibe on it? How the fuck did you get in here?

Thanks Corey, we enjoyed our time with your new product and the smell of your real Italian leather shoes.

So there you have it folks… The first official “review” of the 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Sixteen Cien Navigator. We are going to hear it from the GM brass on this one, but we think it was worth it to bring you guys the first word on the new car.

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