“If there’s anything I’ve learned,” Palin told a crowd of supporters outside Phil’s House of Taxidermy in Bozeman, Montana, “It’s that you should always quit to focus on your family and serving people better.”

When asked how this might apply to Toyota’s situation, Palin responded “Toyota and me have a lot in common. We both have mentally challenged offspring. If I were them,  golly I’d quit making cars because the establishment is too much of a mess. But they can tell supporters that they will continue to fight the good fight of making cars.”

Toyota has been plagued by quality scandals over the past several months, marked with congressional hearing and a tremendous recall. This past week several Priuses became self aware and tried to commit suicide, taking attempting to take their drivers with them.

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Lincoln Travis III, Aston Martin buyer

The following is an interview conducted on February 30, 2010 with a buyer in an Aston Martin dealership (its location on Northern Blvd in Roslyn, NY has been withheld).

MetaCars: Thanks for sitting down with us.

Lincoln Travis III: I was already sitting. You just invited yourself to the next chair over.

MetaCars:Well it was open. More to the point, are you buying a car today?

Lincoln Travis III: Yes, a V8 Vantage convertible.

MetaCars: I think it’s called a Vantage Volante.

Lincoln Travis III: I think I could buy out your mortgage and evict you.

MetaCars:Fair point. So what swayed you on the Aston?

Lincoln Travis III: Well, I wanted something different and pretty flashy to park in front of restaurants.

MetaCars: Did you think about a Maserati?

Lincoln Travis III: Italian cars break down a lot.

MetaCars: Right … So you went British.

Lincoln Travis III: We’re 2 seconds from me removing one of your fingers with this cigar cutter.

MetaCars: So have you heard about the new Aston Martin Cygnet?

Lincoln Travis III: No. What is it? Another million dollar supercar?

MetaCars: Actually it’s based on a small Toyota city car, but styled by Aston. Here’s a picture.

Lincoln Travis III: What a faggy piece of crap.

MetaCars: The idea is that Aston buyers will buy them as a sort of yacht tender.

Lincoln Travis III: Do you know what a yacht tender actually is? Do I park my Vantage a mile off shore and then drive this little one to the sidewalk? Are you going to tell me it fits inside a bigger Aston?

MetaCars: No, it’s just a regular car, about the size of a Smart car.

Lincoln Travis III: Sounds like a deathtrap.

MetaCars: Well, Aston describes it as a local runabout.

Lincoln Travis III: I have a local runabout. A Mercedes GL450.

MetaCars: But doesn’t that use a lot of gas?

Lincoln Travis III: I have no idea. I would assume so.

MetaCars: Well in addition to that, Aston pitches the Cygnet as a sort of fun little car for your wife or maybe kids to putter around in.

Lincoln Travis III: No, I’m not putting my kids in a sardine can. I’d rather spend $40,000 on something I know they’re safe in, rather than $10,000 on that little POS.

MetaCars: As it happens, the Cygnet costs about 30,000 British Pounds.

Lincoln Travis III: You’re shitting me.For less than that, I bought my daughter a Lexus RX like a normal person.

MetaCars: Hybrid version?

Lincoln Travis III: No. I’m a Republican.

MetaCars: Well the environmental stuff is big now for people in both parties.

Lincoln Travis III: Yeah that’s what I’ve heard on the news.

MetaCars: Not for you?

Lincoln Travis III: I have 6 cars and fly twice a week for business.

MetaCars: Well, thanks for meeting with us.

Lincoln Travis III: I didn’t have a choice. How’d you manage to get in here, anyway?

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The photo that started the cascade of server failures

Servers have crashed worldwide and thousands of automotive websites are down after a moderately attractive woman joined a car fan forum and posted pictures of her car that also showed her.

The woman, thought to be in her late 20s, describes herself as “not those most knowledgeable about cars like you boys are, but still a big fan!” Upon prodding from a fellow forum member she posted pictures of her car, in which she appeared fully clothed and only partially visible.

It was at this point, according to moderators of the originating forum, that “all fucking hell broke loose.” Members commented on how nice her car was, when in fact one forum member said “It was all stock and not even that clean. But I felt like I should say something and make a joke. Maybe she’d respond?”

Accounts on scene say that in the first hour, 481 people signed up for the forum to add their comments to the thread. By the end of the day there were 5162 new members. According to reports, the thread called “Me with my new car” is now 342 pages long.

The comments fell into general categories: the direct flirtation (I’d wash your wheels any time), those posing as giving car-related compliments (You picked a great car to buy, and a good color too. Matches your sunglasses) and the self-deprecating (You’d never go out with a guy like me but you sure are the prettiest girl with one of those cars ever).

The Center for Disease Control reports that the pictures are spreading even faster than the worst pandemics in human history. At this point it is estimated that thousands upon thousands of servers have crashed due to requests far in excess of their bandwidth capacity.

“In fairness,” computer expert Eric Malthus told MetaCars, “She’s on a brown Allegro. That’s a crown jewel of lovable brown junk cars.”

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Our hotel, the Geneva Hampton Inn, is surprisingly vacant.

Well we finally stumped up the budget at MetaCars and sent our correspondent Kevin McStabby to the Geneva Auto Show.

Strangely, there were no flights into Geneva, so we hopped a flight to Syracuse, an hour away. Even more strangely, nobody is here. Sure it’s cold like Geneva is supposed to be, and there are several metres of snow, but we haven’t seen any other journalists yet. It’s like a ghost town.

Where the hell are the cars? All I see is an Arby’s and something called Hobart and William Smith Colleges. Luckily, the Genevois are super nice, and everybody speaks English — most without so much as an accent!

Updates forthcoming…

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Jeff Combs during his workday

An unemployed computer programmer, Jeff Combs, has told several friends that he “just has to have” one of the new, more powerful 2011 Ford Mustang GTs.

Apparently Combs began making these announcements to friends after reading a magazine in which the 2011 Mustang was previewed. Fans have been generally very excited about the new 412-horsepower V8 engine. (Though some fans have been critical.)

Combs told one friend “It’s just so awesome. It’s going to have to be my next car, end of story.” Another friend reports that Combs called him to say “Did you see that preview of the next Mustang? I need one.”

While some have questioned Combs’s ability to pay for the new Mustang, being out of work and broke, others are skeptical for different reasons.  A close confidant to Combs told MetaCars “Yeah, he says he needs the Mustang today. What about next week, when he just has to have a new AMG Mercedes? The guy needs to make up his mind.”

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At right, wimpy celebrity Mark Wahlberg puts his small daughter in the back seat of his Mercedes family sedan

Ford is promoting its new F-Series Super Duty pickup truck, with a supposedly impressive 390 horsepower and 735 lb-ft of torque. This is the optional turbodiesel V8 engine with 6.7 liters of displacement.

As a comparison, the lowly Mercedes S65 AMG, just a simple family sedan, has 604 horsepower and 738 lb-ft of torque. And everyone always says how much torque diesel engines make. Pathetic.

Devotees of the Blue Oval will no doubt whine “But the SAE horsepower rating system is different for vehicles over 8500 lbs in GVWR! The Super Duty uses a chassis dynamometer while the Mercedes can use an engine dyno.”

These people are whiners, getting caught up in meaningless technicalities. You want torque, you buy a Mercedes family car. You want some piddling little gutless engine, you get this Super Duty. Only 1/2 of that name is accurate, though.

In other news, StreetCar magazine will be running a “We’re so offbeat” comparison of these two vehicles in an upcoming issue.

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Bugatti's Prestige Edition Eau du Parfum costs $3700

An absurdly overpriced car has surpassed expectations and become a sales success with the desirable Crackhead demographic, according to reports from the car’s manufacturer.

“We were surprised ourselves, if I’m being honest. We expected this car to be a moderate hit with the Douchebag community. It turns out, however, that the Douchebags weren’t interested. But the majority of the purchasers we polled is a big fan of crack-cocaine,” said an executive at the manufacturer.

Analysts also point to another increasing segment of the market who contributed to the overpriced car’s success. “It’s easy to say that you had to be on crack to buy this car. But people forget that 22% of sales came from the Fucking Idiot population. They’re growing, and their spending power is considerable,” remarked Peter Gazetti of PMG Analysts in Detroit.

People who bought the car also reportedly are fond of getting soda from hotel minibars, Monster brand A/V cables, movie theater popcorn, and living in Manhattan.

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“I need my gas pedal to go all Hal from 2001 on me. I’ll be pointing the car towards brick walls just in case it becomes stuck, and that way I can die,” Brooks morbidly told MetaCars today.

Why the macabre view? “I need to escape from the Toyota recall news. I tried turning off the internet, the computer, the TV. I stopped getting newspapers. But now when I’m out in my Camry, people will stop me and say ‘hey do you feel safe in that thing?’. I just want to die in peace.”

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“We won’t be bullied by Audi and its religious mission to force automatic transmissions on the world, whether they accept it or not,” said AudiWorld spokesman Harold Summer.

XE troops have worked for the U.S. government in Iraq and Afghanistan, where they were criticized for gross human rights violations and brutal treatment of prisoners. “Officially we have nothing to say about XE’s activities in the Middle East,” Summer told MetaCars. “But unofficially, we’re going to frickin’ waterboard Audi.”

AudiWorld users are similarly angry. One commenter, QUATTRObro, posted to the site “It was bad enough that we had to put up with the DSG only in the A3 3.2, and that they won’t offer a manual transmission in the Audi A8. But now I’m seriously angry. Who can hook me up with some xanax or something?”

In response, Audi told MetaCars that the issue was one of internal business. “Whether we choose to offer a manual transmission or a dual-clutch automatic or anything else is our choice and ours alone. If the bitches at AudiWorld don’t like it, we invite them to make a formal complaint or just buy a BMW already. It’s not like our cars are cheaper anymore.”

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Autospies.com, founded by Donald Buffamanti, is the 3467th most popular website in Slovenia.

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