 A somewhat rich man is excited for the Porsche Panamera V6 model, announced today, according to friends and neighbors.
The somewhat rich man, Carl Lincoln of Short Hills, New Jersey, says he has been holding off on buying a Panamera until the V6 came out. “There’s no way I can afford a Panamera S with the V8. They’re like $90,000 or more. But with this new V6 model, I get the best of both worlds: the image of a Porsche Panamera with the power of a Volkswagen.”
Lincoln told MetaCars that he’s undeterred by the Panamera’s 296 horsepower, considered meager by the standards of the $80,000 luxury sedan class. Competitors like the Mercedes S550 and CLS550 are like 380 horsepower, the BMW 750i offers 400 horsepower from its turbocharged V8. Jaguar’s new XJ has 385 bhp on tap, and even BMW’s new 6-cylinder 7-Series will have 320 horsepower.
When asked why he felt the Panamera V6 was the one to choose, Lincoln explained “It’s 66 lbs lighter than the V8 car. So, you know, lightness and stuff. Plus I’m gonna make it even lighter by getting rid of excess weight like the lettering on the back.”
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After the violently successful “Let’s Refuel America” ad campaign, during which time Chrysler pitched itself as the $2.99/gallon antidote to what seemed like expensive gas, Chrysler plans to follow it up with a new “Let’s Recall America” ad campaign.
The Chrysler Group is poised to announce a spate of wide-ranging recalls, having observed the trend set in recent weeks by global giants Toyota, Honda and Volkswagen. In the absence of actually developing new product, it is understood Chrysler has instead elected to focus on those areas where it remains competitive. As a result – and in a move clearly designed to outgun its rivals – Chrysler’s recall program will extend across the carmaker’s entire lineup, a point the company believes will give it a crucial advantage in the race to the bottom.
“As usual, the media is bowing down to Toyota and their precious recalls. Well, we can out-recall them. In fact, by the end of the week Chrysler will be recalling a bigger percentage of its product line than any other company – 100%!” said Chrysler PR spokesman Charlie Riven.
A series of confidential internal memos obtained by MetaCars highlight the extent to which Chrysler is prepared to commit to the ‘plan’, so as not to be outgunned by its rivals. Excerpts from the memo, describing the most serious recalls:
Dodge Nitro
Faults(s): Actually, Sergio, probably quicker to list all the things that aren’t wrong with it.
Fix: Offer customer free tinted windows and wheel size upgrade.
Chrysler Sebring
Fault(s): Overwhelming and irredeemable degree of wide-ranging shittiness.
Fix: Crusher.
Dodge Avenger
Fault(s): Drives like the Sebring, cock-teases by looking like the Charger
Fix: Simultaneous insurance fraud fires.
Chrysler PT Cruiser
Fault(s): It sucks worse than a FSO Polonez
Fix: Market to hipster community as ‘ironic’
Jeep Commander
Fault(s): Generally piss-poor execution of interior, exterior, dynamics, quality control, packaging…
Fix: Is any corrective action needed? Did anyone actually buy one of these?
Dodge Dakota
Fault(s): I’m serious guys. Does anyone know why this thing exists? I’m not kidding around here.
Fix: Direct customer to nearest Ford dealership so they understand just what a big mistake they made buying one of our trucks and don’t bother us by making such a colossal error of judgement ever again.
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 The popular car magazine StreetCar will describe the sucky, softer replacement for a much-loved model as more mature than the car it replaces, according to insiders at the magazine’s headquarters.
“We know it went from being a lot of fun to total shit now. The manufacturer pulled the usual new model revision: bigger, softer, more gadgets. Since the press launch was really nice though, we’ll be calling the new model more mature than the one it replaces,” said editor Marcus Steinham.
The car is also reputed to be a set up for the following model, which will return to the car’s awesome roots. (Related article: Manufacturer to Go “Back to Roots” With Next Version of Disappointing Car)
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After Audi’s reveal of its new Mini Cooper-fighting A1 this afternoon, and Nissan’s announcement of the Juke Mini Cooper-challenger, as well as the recently launched Citroen DS3 targeted at the Mini Cooper, MINI has announced that it too will launch a Mini Cooper Rival.
“We’re not going to get left out of this race,” said MINI brand president Sturgen Bahnhof. “Everyone is developing rivals to the Mini Cooper, so we will too.”
To those ends, Mini is developing an all-new platform that is expected to match or exceed the Citroen DS3, Mini Cooper, Audi A1, and Nissan Juke in handling, ride, and most importantly, premium feel.
“We’ll have all that shit with the customizable interior and a trillion a la carte options,” Bahnhof told MetaCars. “While the base models will be dog slow, our obscenely overpriced rival to the Mini Cooper S should really be zippy.”
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 A noted motoring journalist has responded to claims his latest article, “Ten of the Most Expensive Cars You Can Buy”, amounts to a worthless pile of rehashed drivel not worth the bandwidth used to host it. The list, which includes unexpected picks such as the Bugatti Veyron, Rolls Royce Drophead Coupe and Pagani Zonda Cinque, is believed to have entailed many minutes of painstaking compilation using Google and press releases.
Writer Mark ‘Maz’ De Capella, 46, denied the article, featuring a press photograph of each car plus a range of irrelevant statistics, failed to advance the sum total of human knowledge in any way. “Where else are you going to find out that the leather in the Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition is made from the foreskin of a whale’s penis?” he demanded. When MetaCars pointed out this was already common knowledge, the result of a brief automotive blogosphere meme some months ago, the unacclaimed hack quickly tried to change the subject to a discussion of the relative merits of the Koenigsegg CCXR and Lamborghini Reventón Roadster.
Mr De Capella, whose own car is a 2005 Chevrolet Monte Carlo, insisted that despite having driven none of the vehicles in question, he was fully qualified to write as much as one paragraph of superficial tosh on each car. “Coming up with ten seriously expensive cars is a real challenge,” he told MetaCars. “They can’t just all be Fazzas and Rollers. I mean, you have to include Maybach in there as well.”
De Capella did not appear discouraged by criticism of his so-called style, and vowed to continue his gruelling schedule of non-existent fact-checking. “I’ve almost finished my copy for today,” he said. “It details the 50 worst cars of all time, and it’s definitely got some real surprises in it. I don’t want to spill the beans, but let’s just say I’m expecting some unhappy feedback from Morris Marina fans.”
MetaCars understands negative reaction to De Capella’s latest piece of chunder is also likely to come from people who give a shit about decent automotive journalism, a concept largely missing in action since CAR Magazine turned into GQ’s automotive section a decade or so ago. And judging by the success of Jalopnik, it doesn’t appear likely to return any time soon.
N.B. MetaCars would like to assure readers that, in stark contrast to lower-grade automotive news sites, it adheres to the strictest editorial standards. Consequently, there is no chance this article was cooked up in 15 minutes between putting the cat out and preparing supper. Not at all.
Thanks to a special contributor for this piece.
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A luxury car company planning to release an entry-level model will intentionally make it kinda ugly, according to sources at the manufacturer.
“We don’t want to cannibalize sales. So we’ll make it look ugly enough that nobody that can afford one of our more expensive cars would ever consider buying it,” said an executive at the company. “It worked for Mercedes with the A-Class, B-Class, and C-Class ’sports coupe’ and of course it has been a tremendous success for BMW’s failing 1-Series coupe in the U.S.”
Others, however, pointed out that it would also make buyers of the entry-level model feel inadequate. “Oh sure, now they’ve entered the luxury brand. But we want to upsell them and make them feel like the next time around, they have to buy a more expensive model that’s not as ugly,” said Peter Gazetti of PMG Analysts.
Both Gazetti and the spokesman for the manufacturer agreed that they enjoyed watching people who spent months hyping the cars on internet forums then look dweeby while actually driving one. “Is that what irony means? If not, it should be,” the manufacturer’s PR man told MetaCars.
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The next version of a really expensive, powerful car will offer a hybrid version, according to reports from the manufacturer.
“We’ve seen which way the wind is blowing. Everybody says we’re supposed to have a hybrid. I think it’s as ridiculous as you do, but what the hell. A 450-horsepower sports car needs the hybrid system. Sure it adds weight, complexity, and cost. But it will now go from 10 mpg to 12 in the city, though highway mileage will decrease from 19 mpg to 18,” said the manufacturer’s product manager.
The car is expected to go on sale next year, when it will cost $10,000 more than a standard model.
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 A cranky columnist for StreetCar magazine says in his current column that the real problem with the Toyota recall, sticking gas pedals, and obstructive floormats is that sissies just don’t know how to drive anymore.
An excerpt from the column:
“The pedals stuck, and Toyota should get some blame. But the real problem is drivers. Back in my day, cars broke all the time. Often while we were using them. The brakes would go out. The wheels would fall off on the highway. The transmission would explode and blast shards of metal into your legs. It happened, and people of the good old days knew how to deal with it.
“If your gas pedal was stuck, you’d get out of the car on the side of the road, break out your tool kit, welding equipment, and fix the darn thing. This isn’t like the boys trying to figure out how to get us to the moon.”
This issue of StreetCar will hit newsstands this week.
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Physicists and materials scientists are hard at work on ways to make big car wheels look small, regardless of their actual size. MetaCars spoke with researchers at the Research Institute for Research, who told us all about their new programs.
“The emphasis is on coming up with a car that no matter how big the rims are, they look small in its wheel well,” said lead researcher Arthur Masterson, PhD.
This technique has recently gained attention with models like the Lexus IS350C pictured above, which has what are functionally very large 19″ wheels. “The beauty of the IS350C is that they look like middling 14″ steelies,” Masterson said.
But the reality is that the Research Institute for Research has only just begun. “The Lexus is a good example of current technology. What we have coming next though will blow your mind. I have a prototype Honda economy car at the office with 22″ rims that might as well be rolling on soup cans,” explains Tom Weitz, a scientist at RIR.
Weitz tells MetaCars that through a combination of better body design, advanced lightweight ceramics, forcefields, holodecks, and small doses of LSD, they expect to be able to make wheels up to 30 inches in diameter look small. Weitz continued “The best really is yet to come. The government has been generous giving us grants that we can use for research, which we then privately patent.”
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 A company that no one’s ever heard of, but which claims to have 40 years of experience tuning the most exotic sports cars, plans to tune an extremely expensive, high tech exotic sports car with an ugly body kit and theoretically additional horsepower. While the original car’s engine was developed on the Formula 1 racetrack after hours and hours of race testing, and the body was honed in a wind tunnel and then refined on the same F1 track, the tuner company actually knows better.
“You see, we do what the manufacturer of that $500,000 exotic car was unable to do, as a result of limited budgets and engineering restrictions,” said a spokesman for the tuning company. “We know way more than the car’s nerdy original engineers how much horsepower the body can tolerate, and we’ll achieve that horsepower by using a carefully installed supercharger from the eBay.” Additionally, the spokesman told MetaCars, “Carbon fiber is light and really expensive. How could it be wrong to replace body panels on the exotic sports car with carbon fiber. One step: lighter, just as strong. Must make it better.”
In announcing that it will be tuning this particular high-end exotic sports car, he tuning company joins the ranks of the legendary Wald, Gemballa, Ruf, Brabus, Lorinser, Carlsson, Alpina, Novitec Rosso, Hamann, Koenig, Wimmer, and Edo Competition, all of whom have said they too have tuned it already. The car goes on sale from the manufacturer next year. The tuning company says its work will cost $200,000 in addition to a donor car. They also ask us to point out that the photos included here, which came with their press kit, are photoshops.
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A somewhat rich man is excited for the Porsche Panamera V6 model, announced today, according to friends and neighbors.
