Well we finally stumped up the budget at MetaCars and sent our correspondent Kevin McStabby to the Geneva Auto Show.
Strangely, there were no flights into Geneva, so we hopped a flight to Syracuse, an hour away. Even more strangely, nobody is here. Sure it’s cold like Geneva is supposed to be, and there are several metres of snow, but we haven’t seen any other journalists yet. It’s like a ghost town.
Where the hell are the cars? All I see is an Arby’s and something called Hobart and William Smith Colleges. Luckily, the Genevois are super nice, and everybody speaks English — most without so much as an accent!
Updates forthcoming…
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
An unemployed computer programmer, Jeff Combs, has told several friends that he “just has to have” one of the new, more powerful 2011 Ford Mustang GTs.
Apparently Combs began making these announcements to friends after reading a magazine in which the 2011 Mustang was previewed. Fans have been generally very excited about the new 412-horsepower V8 engine. (Though some fans have been critical.)
Combs told one friend “It’s just so awesome. It’s going to have to be my next car, end of story.” Another friend reports that Combs called him to say “Did you see that preview of the next Mustang? I need one.”
While some have questioned Combs’s ability to pay for the new Mustang, being out of work and broke, others are skeptical for different reasons. A close confidant to Combs told MetaCars “Yeah, he says he needs the Mustang today. What about next week, when he just has to have a new AMG Mercedes? The guy needs to make up his mind.”
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
Ford is promoting its new F-Series Super Duty pickup truck, with a supposedly impressive 390 horsepower and 735 lb-ft of torque. This is the optional turbodiesel V8 engine with 6.7 liters of displacement.
As a comparison, the lowly Mercedes S65 AMG, just a simple family sedan, has 604 horsepower and 738 lb-ft of torque. And everyone always says how much torque diesel engines make. Pathetic.
Devotees of the Blue Oval will no doubt whine “But the SAE horsepower rating system is different for vehicles over 8500 lbs in GVWR! The Super Duty uses a chassis dynamometer while the Mercedes can use an engine dyno.”
These people are whiners, getting caught up in meaningless technicalities. You want torque, you buy a Mercedes family car. You want some piddling little gutless engine, you get this Super Duty. Only 1/2 of that name is accurate, though.
In other news, StreetCar magazine will be running a “We’re so offbeat” comparison of these two vehicles in an upcoming issue.
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
An absurdly overpriced car has surpassed expectations and become a sales success with the desirable Crackhead demographic, according to reports from the car’s manufacturer.
“We were surprised ourselves, if I’m being honest. We expected this car to be a moderate hit with the Douchebag community. It turns out, however, that the Douchebags weren’t interested. But the majority of the purchasers we polled is a big fan of crack-cocaine,” said an executive at the manufacturer.
Analysts also point to another increasing segment of the market who contributed to the overpriced car’s success. “It’s easy to say that you had to be on crack to buy this car. But people forget that 22% of sales came from the Fucking Idiot population. They’re growing, and their spending power is considerable,” remarked Peter Gazetti of PMG Analysts in Detroit.
People who bought the car also reportedly are fond of getting soda from hotel minibars, Monster brand A/V cables, movie theater popcorn, and living in Manhattan.
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
 Most people want to avoid unintended acceleration in their cars. You could even say some fear it. But not Ron Brooks, of Lancaster, PA.
“I need my gas pedal to go all Hal from 2001 on me. I’ll be pointing the car towards brick walls just in case it becomes stuck, and that way I can die,” Brooks morbidly told MetaCars today.
Why the macabre view? “I need to escape from the Toyota recall news. I tried turning off the internet, the computer, the TV. I stopped getting newspapers. But now when I’m out in my Camry, people will stop me and say ‘hey do you feel safe in that thing?’. I just want to die in peace.”
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
 Members of the popular Audi fan forum AudiWorld.com have retained the services of the private security contractors Blackwater (now called XE) in response to Audi’s announcement that the new RS5 coupe will only be sold with a dual-clutch automatic transmission. (Story here)
“We won’t be bullied by Audi and its religious mission to force automatic transmissions on the world, whether they accept it or not,” said AudiWorld spokesman Harold Summer.
XE troops have worked for the U.S. government in Iraq and Afghanistan, where they were criticized for gross human rights violations and brutal treatment of prisoners. “Officially we have nothing to say about XE’s activities in the Middle East,” Summer told MetaCars. “But unofficially, we’re going to frickin’ waterboard Audi.”
 AudiWorld users are similarly angry. One commenter, QUATTRObro, posted to the site “It was bad enough that we had to put up with the DSG only in the A3 3.2, and that they won’t offer a manual transmission in the Audi A8. But now I’m seriously angry. Who can hook me up with some xanax or something?”
In response, Audi told MetaCars that the issue was one of internal business. “Whether we choose to offer a manual transmission or a dual-clutch automatic or anything else is our choice and ours alone. If the bitches at AudiWorld don’t like it, we invite them to make a formal complaint or just buy a BMW already. It’s not like our cars are cheaper anymore.”
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
 “For the last time, it’s Auto Spies. Can’t you assholes type properly?” managing editor Kevin Morgan scolded MetaCars in a phone call this morning.
Autospies.com, founded by Donald Buffamanti, is the 3467th most popular website in Slovenia.
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
 An official Congressional panel has suggested that Toyota CEO, Akio Toyoda, to commit Japanese ritual suicide, known as seppuku.
“Seppuku is ritual self-evisceration, previously practiced only by the samurai, to preserve one’s honor in feudal Japan. But it’s becoming increasingly popular in fashion-sensitive Japan. Everyone wants to disembowel themselves with giant swords.” says professor of Old Cool Japanese Stuff Sherman Minkowski.
Among those calling for Toyoda to commit seppuku are Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who calls Toyota’s recalls “Unamerican” and adds that “As usual, the holy trifecta is to blame: liberals, gays, and liberal gays.”
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
 Aston’s new four door coupe, the Rapide, is absolutely frickin’ awesome. In today’s issue, we have an objective look at how awesome it is. So, is the awesome new Aston Martin awesome?
The new Rapide is Aston’s first sedan since the Lagonda, which every real car fan knows was a crap car, far outclassed by its contemporary BMW M6. But now the Rapide is here, and there aren’t any cars like it. Nothing like this out now. Not the Mercedes S65 AMG. Not the Mercedes CLS63 AMG. Not the BMW 7-Series. Not the Audi S8. And certainly it’s nothing like the Porsche Panamera or Maserati Quattroporte.
Aston has utilized high-tech and advanced construction for the Rapide, with several aluminum body panels and for the structure too. The result is a car that is just a little bit heavier than the BMW 7-Series, which doesn’t even have any lightweight aluminum body panels.
The Rapide drives like you’d think it should, with unbelievably awesome supercar performance. The big V12 moves it from 0-60 in only 5.2 seconds, which is nearly as fast as a Mustang. And the six speed automatic also rivals the Mustang in number of gears. True, 5.2 seconds is a bit off rival Porsche Panamera Turbo’s 0-60 time of 3.5 seconds, but oh my goodness these brownies are really delicious.
And the real benefit of the Rapide is that it’s not just a supercar, or a Mustang-rival, but that it can haul your entire family in style. Rather than being a 2+2 like the DB9, with tiny rear seats, the Rapide has four doors. While they lead to two tiny rear seats, you can take short trips within town with friends under 5′6”. So the Rapide is an awesome family car.
You really have to admire Aston for this impressive space utilization. While the Honda Accord at an equal length is cavernous by comparison and seats 5 people comfortably, the 196-inch Aston Martin is awesome. It’s also not like Aston’s engineers had a lot of width to work with either; the Rapide is only 1 inch wider than the diminutive BMW 7-Series.
Naturally the Rapide has all the features you could want in a $200,000 car. Bluetooth, power heated front seats, satellite radio, and iPod connectivity. Just go try and find those in a $15,000 Kia.
The Aston Martin Rapide is the most anticipated car in its class since the last car that came along, the Porsche Panamera. And the Rapide will surely be the most celebrated until the next car that comes along, too.
So here’s your verdict. How awesome is the Aston Rapide? After close investigation, we determined that it’s awesome in every way. And that’s something you can write a cutesy closing line about.
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
 Archaeologists in Utah have discovered what is believed to be the oldest car magazine known, a 2000 year old volume called AVTOCHARIOT.
The issue, dated Aprillis (but carbon dating determines it to was produced in Februarius), features a cover story called “Superchariot Comparo! Germania Takes on Rome” and apparently compares several high-performance chariots of the day from different regions of Europe. There is also a fleeting reference to something from the Far Eastern Empires called the Godzilla superchariot.
Dr. Philip Leonick, the lead researcher on the team, told MetaCars “This is a really significant find. It shows just how advanced chariot magazines were, even 2000 years ago. Or how shit they are now. Gee I didn’t think of that.”
The copy of AVTOCHARIOT also includes other articles, including “Future Chariots: Chrysler PT Cruiser,” an interview with “Young up and coming chariot planner Robert Lutz,” and a report that Roman chariots would be sold in “new colonies outside the Empire as soon as next year.”
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook
|
For news too important to blog, see @MetaCarsNEWS on Twitter!
|
