"Here at Skidmark Autos, you will literally crap your self over our low rates!"

GMAC is looking to make a fresh start in the automotive finance world. Their first step is to be reborn as Ally. Clearly, they are taking inspiration from the popular weight-loss/underwear-destroying supplement Alli.

To find out more about this game-changing move to be named after poop products, we placed a call to GMAC/Ally VP of Communications Chester Longwell.

MC: Good morning Chester, Motor Trend here to ask you a few questions about the move from GMAC to Ally?
CL: Oh Motor Trend, I read your publication all the time… Go ahead ask away.
MC: Great thanks, we read it too… I mean, yeah. Anywho – Clearly you are reaching out and establishing your brand towards shit-friendly markets, smart choice jumping no the meteoric success of Alli, the colon cleanser.
CL: Yeah we just felt… wait, what? You’re from Motor Trend? What the hell are you talking about, Ally means friend.
MC: Come on now, lets be serious here – Ally is clearly related to dumping. I am surprised you didn’t go more subtle though with perhaps a change to BMAC.
CL: What is your name?! This is ridiculous, you are not from Motor Trend, who are you?
MC: Whoa dude…no need to get all Ally-y on me here. Just trying to discuss your #2 attitude towards financing.
*Click*

Interesting development in the automotive finance world and the schiese fans at Ally are being surprisingly tight-lipped about the development process. Stay tuned to see how this unfolds into the automotive bowl.

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Well, that was one hell of a party.

I am writing this on my laptop from a hotel room. I don’t know how I got here, I don’t remember most of the evening, and I don’t know why I can’t find my underwear.

I called the editors and thankfully they are not mad. They said to try and piece the evening together, so I will attempt to do so. My head is killing me and my, um, well another part of my body hurts for some reason too. Lets see if I can break down my night at the Lemon Party Cocktail Hour.Well, I found some notes…

7:30pm: I arrive at the nondescript hotel on the outskirts of town. The lady at the front desk says the place is fully booked and the party will begin out by the pool in one hour.

7:50pm: I wear my new shirt and tie, grab my camera and a pen notepad and head down to the pool to watch the guests arrive.

8:25pm: Some of the teams start to arrive. I am surprised at the number of older men participating in this upcoming LeMons race. Oh well, they probably have the most experience wrenching on cranks.

8:35pm: Hmm, still no ladies – oh well, I should grab a drink.

9:00pm: haha, these old dudes are funny and super friendly, I feel like one of the guys here. Oh, it appears some folks are even up for a bit of night swimming. Should be fun!

9:30pm: Man, these vodka and lemonads are going down e-a-s-y… Some guy named Val is giving me a back rub right now. Thanks Val!

10:45pm: Thidds wsihsa gooooddds peerttykjl!@@2

11:50pm: askldjfas;fhajsfhajklsdfhadfhaldjkfhaldfkhaldkjfhaiouerou23049ru0f0dfjadjkadfakdfjlakjldkjafdjd;————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

After that I think my computer battery died. I tried to follow up with 24hrs of LeMons head honcho, Jay Lamm but he swear he knows nothing of a pre-race Lemons Party. He was also laughing at me, which I found sort of rude. Oh well, perhaps the party has a tinge of secrecy to withhold.

All in all, it was an interesting experience. I had photos of the party but someone has stolen my camera… I will google Lemon Party later on and see if I can find any traces of my work. I bet something has to show up. For now, I am going to try and get some sleep. Until next time!

-Kip Zinger, drifting (in and out of consciousness)

Seriously though….why does my ass burn?

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My first task is to attend a Lemon Party Cocktail hour , which I have been told is the pre-party event for the 24 Hours of LeMons car race.

I am excited for this opportunity and I look forward to getting you, the MetaCars.com reader, some fulfilling answers to a few hard, probing questions.

A bunch of LeMons preparing for the party...

I hope to meet lots of guys at this event, and really hammer home some talking points I am outlining before the big day. I imagine it will also be fun to talk to the ladies of LeMons, of which I hope there are many.

The event is tonight, so check back tomorrow for my reaction to this LeMons Party event!

-Kip Zinger trailbraking away…

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Embargoes be damned! MetaCars is proud to bring you the first driving impressions of the all new Cadillac CTS-V coupe. We haven’t actually sat in one yet, but we have driven the sedan and it can’t be that much different right? Also, we were not invited to the launch event…

Read on to find out more!

A quick Google search for “cadillac interior” and we found this among the photos. Since it was near the top of the results that can only mean it belongs to the new CTS-V coupe. We must say that we are surprised at the departure from the layout of the sedan. However it is nice to see Cadillac look forward to their retro-futuristic roots which recall a feeling of the past. As you can tell in this photo, the materials used are clearly top notch and the metal on leather makes me think of a Steampunk Cow. He is elegant in his quasi-hipster resplendence.

Once the driving portion of the event began, I imagine everyone was required to affix full bra systems to the vehicles. This new V coupe wears the $1,500 optional NoneMoreBlack Black and you get face-slapped by the marketing director if you scratch it. You also get downgraded from premium to 2nd tier hooch at the post-drive automotive journalist drink-a-palooza. We would rather kill ourselves then switch from Hanger One vodka to Absolut. The bras were a welcome addition to the 45-mile test route (in our heads).

The Cadillac CTS-V sedan, wait…shit coupe drives like an American luxury beast on [look up HP and torque figures on Autoblog] V8 crack. It handles like a two-doored, four-wheeled car. {ed. note: Copy and paste sedan review here but do a ctrl-F to find and replace “four” with “two”}

Once we arrived at the hotel, we had a chance to sit with newly appointed head of design, Corey Awesum.

MetaCars: What was your inspiration for creating the CTS-V coupe?

Awesum: Does your media credential say 2005 Pontiac Vibe on it? How the fuck did you get in here?

Thanks Corey, we enjoyed our time with your new product and the smell of your real Italian leather shoes.

So there you have it folks… The first official “review” of the 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Sixteen Cien Navigator. We are going to hear it from the GM brass on this one, but we think it was worth it to bring you guys the first word on the new car.

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The day of reckoning has come, and we have finally tested the newest supercar from the much loved Italian supercar manufacturer [insert manufacturer name here]. So is their newest model their best model ever?

In a word: It certainly would be possible.

This car is so fast, it makes other fast cars seem not as fast. Acceleration isn’t merely about 0-60, it’s about the 100 mph – 200 mph sprint, which we will describe nonchalantly. Because we drive at those speeds ALL THE TIME.

But it’s not just the raw power of this new Italian supercar. It’s also how brawny, dynamic, hale, hearty, potent, powerful, robust, rugged, stalwart, stout, strapping, strenuous, strong, sturdy, tough, vigorous, and vital the engine is. Italian cars aren’t like the passionless German supercars that we absolutely love in other posts. No, instead it’s about being fiery, furious, lusty, melodramatic, red-blooded, romantic, and zealous.

This new supercar is stickering at $378,000, and that includes $29,000 for the F1-style gearbox. We would insist on the optional $56,000 sport package, though. While the improvements are minuscule, it makes ALL the difference in the world.

So, after our elaborate factory-funded tour of the Italian countryside (to be detailed in another article, describing ad nauseum the hotels and wineries we visited as if you possibly gave a shit), we have an easy conclusion: in spite of having a bigger development budget, more technology, a bigger engine, more horsepower, and a much higher selling price than this company’s past efforts, this new one is probably their best car ever.

By the way, the company is only making a few hundred and they are all sold out already. Suck it slow!

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Engineering and breadcrumb development will be based in Vienna, Austria, thought to be the traditional home of schnitzel dishes.

“Our foray into food will stay consistent to AC Schnitzer’s brand values,” said spokesman Klaus Friedrich. “Every piece of schnitzel will come with a chin spoiler, performance-enhanced batter, and hand-tenderization to improve roadholding. We expect that our current AC Schnitzer customers, frequently with more hair gel than brains, will literally eat up our new AC Schnitzel products.”

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I’m writing to explain why there haven’t been any posts on MetaCars in the past month. Rest assured, there will be in the future. It’s been a really weird course of events and now that I can finally explain everything to my loyal readers, I feel like I should. Click through to read the story.

Things at my day job haven’t been going well for a long time. I’m not sure exactly when it started, but after the economy totally blew up at the end of 2008, my company put all this pressure on me. I ended up working on projects that I really knew nothing about. No surprise that a lot of them turned out badly, but I refuse to say that it was all my fault. There were a lot of other team members, and besides, it was ridiculous to expect that anything I could do would be successful when the economy was so bad.

Then like a month ago things really took a turn for the worse. I went for a “meeting” at my boss’s office and she told me that she’s thinking about firing me (for reference the woman has got to be like 100, and hasn’t done any real work in years — maybe SHE should be the one leaving).

They were looking at two other guys to replace me, and they starting showing up and meeting people around the office and talking about what they’d do as if they were already hired. The worst part is that both of the guys were these little know-it-all twerps and much younger than me. Real slick used car salesman types. It was like I had to re-interview for my own job.

Everything went crazy with work. I was there all hours of the day and night trying to get my regular work done but also trying to convince the power that be to let me stay employed. I had to waste my time by going out to our regional offices to ‘demonstrate’ that I could do the work I’ve been doing all along.

A few times I actually was forced to have meetings with the two clowns they were looking at to replace me. I kid you not, I was even required to EXPLAIN myself and practically all the decisions I’ve ever made to my bosses and to these a**holes.  Then one of them went off on a rant about how badly I did something a few years ago. Having seen both of the two new guys’ resumes I can tell you that neither one of them has done anything worthwhile in terms of work. I heard that one of the guys got his current job because his rich mother pulled some strings with the local government. Wouldn’t surprise me if that was true.

As you might have guessed because I’m talking so freely about it, last Thursday I was fired. Fired from the job I had worked my ass off at for the past THREE years. And I worked as the head accountant and general right hand man for TEN YEARS to the guy who had my current job before me. So that’s it, like 13 years down the drain, fired. Oh, excuse me. I wasn’t fired. I was “asked to resign.” Luckily I have some good connections and I will be using them to try to get a new job pretty soon (preferably one that pays better too).

Until then, I will have plenty of time to work on MetaCars, so you can expect a lot of new posts.

Last I heard from friends still at the office, it looks like they’re going to let both of the young jerks co-do my old job. Whatever. Being Prime Minister of the UK is a shithouse job anyway.

Thanks for all your support and for reading MetaCars! Much more new content to come!

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown
Former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
Editor-In-Chief, MetaCars.com

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“We were as surprised as anyone else. After we milked that Nurburgring lap times story for everything it had, and then beat to death the GT-R Launch Control/Warranty controversy, we just assumed that future posts would go completely ignored,” said Mike O’Malley, Assistant Supervising Editor for Content and Stories at the CarsRulez blogsite.

Other fatally bland stories about the GT-R have described car accidents, funny license plates, and aftermarket tuning house versions with photoshopped body kits.

The comments on Nissan GT-R stories still follow the traditional rubric, either comparing the car positively or negatively to the Porsche 911, characterization of it as “just an Infiniti G35,” and finally complaints about the GT-R’s “crackhead” price.

“I’ll be honest,” O’Malley told MetaCars, “It’s not the good old days, when a post about some 750 horsepower version with beeswax brake calipers would get us 40-50 comments. But GT-R stories are still part of our gravy train.”

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But the most meaningful story is General Motors, which has posted a 21% gain in sales over March 2009. Analysts credit several reasons, including their weak March 2009 performance, increased incentives, and appealing new products. It is also likely that GM has benefited from some Toyota shopping refugees.

Speaking to Automotive News, Rebecca Lindland, director of automotive research for the Americas at IHS Global Insight in Lexington, Massachusetts said “The deals are unbelievable right now. “This kind of sales activity is what we need to see in order to achieve the types of improvement being forecast for the year.”

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A local man is confounded by a lack of replies after listing his 6 year-old Honda Civic on Craigslist for $9800. “I mean, I owe some to the bank, and I figured I should turn a small profit on the car. It’s a Civic after all, and supposedly those things never depreciate,” the man told MetaCars. He has asked to remain anonymous because he feels like such a jackass.

In spite of the man’s airtight economic arguments, he has yet to receive a single reply to his listing. “I don’t get it. It’s an EX model. That means SUNROOF, dude. And alloy wheels. Why wouldn’t someone pay extra for them? When it was new someone paid like another $3000 to get an EX versus the poor man’s LX trim. Shouldn’t that make my car more valuable now?”

Apparently after several surveys of Craigslist and eBay Motors, “other people are asking like 6500 for cars with 100,000 miles. Mine only has 50,000k miles! Of course it should be worth $9800.”

When asked if he would consider lowering his price for a quicker sale, the man told MetaCars, “Yeah I guess I should. The market just won’t bear $9800 for my Civic. I’ll take the price down to $9450 this afternoon.”

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