GMAC Changing Name to Mimic Success of Poop Drug

GMAC is looking to make a fresh start in the automotive finance world. Their first step is to be reborn as Ally. Clearly, they are taking inspiration from the popular weight-loss/underwear-destroying supplement Alli.

To find out more about this game-changing move to be named after poop products, we placed a call to GMAC/Ally VP of Communications Chester Longwell.

MC: Good morning Chester, Motor Trend here to ask you a few questions about the move from GMAC to Ally?
CL: Oh Motor Trend, I read your publication all the time… Go ahead ask away.
MC: Great thanks, we read it too… I mean, yeah. Anywho – Clearly you are reaching out and establishing your brand towards shit-friendly markets, smart choice jumping no the meteoric success of Alli, the colon cleanser.
CL: Yeah we just felt… wait, what? You’re from Motor Trend? What the hell are you talking about, Ally means friend.
MC: Come on now, lets be serious here – Ally is clearly related to dumping. I am surprised you didn’t go more subtle though with perhaps a change to BMAC.
CL: What is your name?! This is ridiculous, you are not from Motor Trend, who are you?
MC: Whoa dude…no need to get all Ally-y on me here. Just trying to discuss your #2 attitude towards financing.

Interesting development in the automotive finance world and the schiese fans at Ally are being surprisingly tight-lipped about the development process. Stay tuned to see how this unfolds into the automotive bowl.

Intern Assignment: Lemon Party Cocktail Hour follow-up

Well, that was one hell of a party.

I am writing this on my laptop from a hotel room. I don’t know how I got here, I don’t remember most of the evening, and I don’t know why I can’t find my underwear.

I called the editors and thankfully they are not mad. They said to try and piece the evening together, so I will attempt to do so. My head is killing me and my, um, well another part of my body hurts for some reason too. Lets see if I can break down my night at the Lemon Party Cocktail Hour.

Intern Assignment: Lemon Party Cocktail Hour

I would like to introduce myself, my name is Kip Zinger and I am the newest member of the staff. I have been hired as an intern to help with day-to-day office tasks, and in return the editors allow me to create some fresh content.

My first task is to attend a Lemon Party Cocktail hour , which I have been told is the pre-party event for the 24 Hours of LeMons car race.

MetaCars Exclusive: The First (Fake) Review of the 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Coupe

Embargoes be damned! MetaCars is proud to bring you the first driving impressions of the all new Cadillac CTS-V coupe. We haven’t actually sat in one yet, but we have driven the sedan and it can’t be that much different right? Also, we were not invited to the launch event…

Read on to find out more!

Newest Supercar from Italian Supercar Manufacturer Might Be Their Best Ever

You’ve seen the spy photos. You’ve read the press releases about the new tire manufacturing process. You saw our exclusive interview with the CEO from the Detroit Auto Show (by which we mean nobody else interviewed him at 3:08 pm that day), and you’ve seen all the speculation that we recklessly made up.

The day of reckoning has come, and we have finally tested the newest supercar from the much loved Italian supercar manufacturer [insert manufacturer name here]. So is their newest model their best model ever?

In a word: It certainly would be possible.

This car is so fast, it makes other fast cars seem not as fast. Acceleration isn’t merely about 0-60, it’s about the 100 mph – 200 mph sprint, which we will describe nonchalantly. Because we drive at those speeds ALL THE TIME.

But it’s not just the raw power of this new Italian supercar. It’s also how brawny, dynamic, hale, hearty, potent, powerful, robust, rugged, stalwart, stout, strapping, strenuous, strong, sturdy, tough, vigorous, and vital the engine is. Italian cars aren’t like the passionless German supercars that we absolutely love in other posts. No, instead it’s about being fiery, furious, lusty, melodramatic, red-blooded, romantic, and zealous.

This new supercar is stickering at $378,000, and that includes $29,000 for the F1-style gearbox. We would insist on the optional $56,000 sport package, though. While the improvements are minuscule, it makes ALL the difference in the world.

So, after our elaborate factory-funded tour of the Italian countryside (to be detailed in another article, describing ad nauseum the hotels and wineries we visited as if you possibly gave a shit), we have an easy conclusion: in spite of having a bigger development budget, more technology, a bigger engine, more horsepower, and a much higher selling price than this company’s past efforts, this new one is probably their best car ever.

By the way, the company is only making a few hundred and they are all sold out already. Suck it slow!

BMW Tuner AC Schnitzer to Sell Chicken Cutlets, Will be Called AC Schnitzel

Famed BMW tuning house AC Schnitzer will diversify its business, expanding its operations from modifying BMWs to selling high-performance breaded and fried chicken, veal, and pork cutlets. The new performance sub-brand will be called AC Schnitzel.

Engineering and breadcrumb development will be based in Vienna, Austria, thought to be the traditional home of schnitzel dishes.

“Our foray into food will stay consistent to AC Schnitzer’s brand values,” said spokesman Klaus Friedrich. “Every piece of schnitzel will come with a chin spoiler, performance-enhanced batter, and hand-tenderization to improve roadholding. We expect that our current AC Schnitzer customers, frequently with more hair gel than brains, will literally eat up our new AC Schnitzel products.”

Why MetaCars has Been Quiet The Past Month

Dear Friends,

I’m writing to explain why there haven’t been any posts on MetaCars in the past month. Rest assured, there will be in the future. It’s been a really weird course of events and now that I can finally explain everything to my loyal readers, I feel like I should. Click through to read the story.

BREAKING: Several People Still Commenting on Blog Posts About the Nissan GT-R

According to reports from the CarsRulez blog and other popular automotive websites, posts about the Nissan GT-R are still generating comments and feedback from their readers.

“We were as surprised as anyone else. After we milked that Nurburgring lap times story for everything it had, and then beat to death the GT-R Launch Control/Warranty controversy, we just assumed that future posts would go completely ignored,” said Mike O’Malley, Assistant Supervising Editor for Content and Stories at the CarsRulez blogsite.

Other fatally bland stories about the GT-R have described car accidents, funny license plates, and aftermarket tuning house versions with photoshopped body kits.

The comments on Nissan GT-R stories still follow the traditional rubric, either comparing the car positively or negatively to the Porsche 911, characterization of it as “just an Infiniti G35,” and finally complaints about the GT-R’s “crackhead” price.

“I’ll be honest,” O’Malley told MetaCars, “It’s not the good old days, when a post about some 750 horsepower version with beeswax brake calipers would get us 40-50 comments. But GT-R stories are still part of our gravy train.”

General Motors Posts 21% Sales Gain For March; Incentives Play Large Role

Today, April 1, 2010, most automakers released their March sales statistics. Compared to the dismal March of 2009, there are widespread gains for even the less stable of firms. Ford steals the show with a 40% gain in sales, in spite of no brand new product hitting the showroom floors this past month.

But the most meaningful story is General Motors, which has posted a 21% gain in sales over March 2009. Analysts credit several reasons, including their weak March 2009 performance, increased incentives, and appealing new products. It is also likely that GM has benefited from some Toyota shopping refugees.

Speaking to Automotive News, Rebecca Lindland, director of automotive research for the Americas at IHS Global Insight in Lexington, Massachusetts said “The deals are unbelievable right now. “This kind of sales activity is what we need to see in order to achieve the types of improvement being forecast for the year.”

MetaCars will continue to follow the automotive market with thorough reporting of breaking financial news and incisive analysis.
Happy April 1st. We’d never blog this crap.

Local Man Really Perplexed That Nobody Wants to Buy His 6 Year-Old Civic For $9800

A local man is confounded by a lack of replies after listing his 6 year-old Honda Civic on Craigslist for $9800. “I mean, I owe some to the bank, and I figured I should turn a small profit on the car. It’s a Civic after all, and supposedly those things never depreciate,” the man told MetaCars. He has asked to remain anonymous because he feels like such a jackass.

In spite of the man’s airtight economic arguments, he has yet to receive a single reply to his listing. “I don’t get it. It’s an EX model. That means SUNROOF, dude. And alloy wheels. Why wouldn’t someone pay extra for them? When it was new someone paid like another $3000 to get an EX versus the poor man’s LX trim. Shouldn’t that make my car more valuable now?”

Apparently after several surveys of Craigslist and eBay Motors, “other people are asking like 6500 for cars with 100,000 miles. Mine only has 50,000k miles! Of course it should be worth $9800.”

When asked if he would consider lowering his price for a quicker sale, the man told MetaCars, “Yeah I guess I should. The market just won’t bear $9800 for my Civic. I’ll take the price down to $9450 this afternoon.”